In Five Easy Payments

I sat down across from him in the school cafeteria.
 He was the cutest little round faced, blonde boy. He was five years old and a talker to be sure. He was chatting away and told me his birthday was coming up. Without me even asking, he went on to explain that he was going to get the Rocket Fishing Rod II for his birthday gift. After a detailed explaination on how the Rocket Fishing Rod II works, he knew he was getting this particular gift because his dad had ordered it for him. Then he announced boldly, "only $34.95 in five easy payments!"

Five easy payments, huh?

There are five steps in the Grief Process. Easy? I think not.


Step one: Denial
I can remember literally shaking my head in disbelief when the words were first spoken.
I want a divorce. I didn't really hear him say that, did I? He must mean something else. Something is wrong. It took the words from my daughter , up in my face, in my business, no less, that made me snap out of step one. I thank her for that moment of revelation too.

Step two: Anger
My friends hold the opinion that  I have not experienced this step as I perhaps should have. My pillow might think otherwise. Sometimes you just need to punch something. This stage can be more detrimental to yourself though, I believe. The only thing that a grudge holds is you. Still, I don't think it can be altogether avoided.

Step three: Bargaining
Some people are just naturals at getting a good deal. They find the $100 jackets marked down to $5, and they  are the ones who always have the right coupon, unexpired, in their possession. Let me say for the record, there are no bargains in a divorce. There is no good deal. We try though, with attempts at counseling, let's stick it out until....., or maybe if we had a vacation together, just the two of us...
I wish this step of grievance was not in the mix. Begging is so unflattering and causes you regrets later on.

Step four: Depression
Big step. Unavoidable, I am afraid. You find yourself deep into a pit. And why not? Your entire life plan just got shredded. I didn't think I could be so tired. Images of my grown children stepping into my bedroom as I lay buried in the covers, "are you all right mom?".....
There were times I wanted to scream back, (instead of the calm, "sure, I am fine, I am just tired"), Hell no, I am not fine! I just lost my best friend, my husband, my home, my family, my church, our friends, our holiday traditions, me self esteem!.....
Everyone has to find their own way to climb past step four. The main thing is, climb past it.

Step five: Acceptance
This is the best step of all. The one where you realize you are really going to get that Rocket Fishing Rod II. The five easy steps payment part was a lie.  There are five steps. Just not easy steps.
Right now, I am learning to cast with my new rod. I toss out the line to new friends. I have opened myself up to new possibilities and new adventures.
After all, there are other fish in the sea....
and there is a big ocean out there to discover.

Psalm 71:20 - Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.