Monday, April 4, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Are We There Yet?
Are we there yet?
Those words conjure up an image of impatient children seated in the back of a vehicle wishing a six hour car ride would miraculously happen in less than two hours!
All parents can relate when I say that after hearing these words for the third, fourth, and fifth time, we are wishing we had never even started the trip in the first place.
I have been thinking that same question myself lately. Am I there yet?
Because, I think I am ready to "be there."
The "journey" of post divorce life seems like there is a never ending line of curves ahead, bends in the road, and steep grades. I drove near a sign this past week that read, " bump ahead". I thought to myself, Really? I hadn't noticed! (a bit sarcastically, I might add)
Will I ever "get there?" Then, I think to myself, Where is "there?"
As a side note, I will mention here, that, YES, I am aware that I talk to myself and frighteningly, I answer back.
But, back to the question. Will I ever get there?
I have learned that "there" is more than a few hours away. A few years have flown by and I realize that the journey that started out as survival has evolved into an adventure. I haven't had to eat any disgusting live bugs during my survival trials, but I once slept next to a nest of baby mice. Mercifully, I found them all dead and did not know they had been born, hatched, or whatever right next to my head practically as I slept. I survived the brutal murder of a ground hog. This particular challenge still can arouse that gag reflex in me, so if you don't know the story by now, you may want to read my blog, "Dog tired." This period of survival of the fittest, okay, not fittest, but at least stronger has gained me the ability to not even blink at things that previously would have sent me into a tearful, helpless daze. Now, when I back the car out of the garage and rip off one of the side mirrors, I just say, huh. I step out and duct tape it to the car until I can afford to fix it. The words "objects may appear closer than they are" is not a fallacy.
Oh, there have been, and still are, bumps in the road. On days when I know the my childrens are having a Findley family get together and I am no longer part of that get together, those are the times that the loneliness and the pain of single hood really set in. I often think about the little boy in the Home Alone movie. I try to tell myself that I like having my very own cheese pizza! Truth is, I don't like dining alone. Probably why yogurt and peanut butter are staples in my diet these days.
Sometimes I feel like the road sign of my life reads steep grade ahead. And I keep climbing that grade. I know it will level out one of these days. I know it because so many awesome things just keep happening.
A lot of people have told me that God has a plan for me. That everything will work out and good things will happen. I know this to be true.
Years ago, I saw a handbag made of old men's neckties. I decided to make my own. I hit the local thrift shop and picked out some ties that appealed to me. I have always treasured vintage items and liked the idea of reclaiming them into something new and usable. I daydreamed about my own business, I would name it Redundant. Do it again. Repetitive. Life was busy. I was a mom with three active children. I was a wife and homemaker. I had a job. There wasn't enough time to start this kind of project. Silly moms, dreams are for kids. (sorry, Kix)
Recently, as I have traveled down the road of Discovering Me, I realized that along with finding out who I was, I realized that I also needed to do what I wanted. I needed to dream again. I have a bucket list now. Truth is, the list has always been in the back of my mind, but doing what I wanted wasn't always a priority. Life isn't all about what Teena wants to do now, but it is about allowing myself to experience or do some of those things. One of those things was this idea about Redundant. To recycle items into wearable art or home goods. A friend suggested I read Paula Deen's autobiography awhile back and it set my mind in motion. I set out to start reviving this dream and have been in total awe of the people who have been behind me and cheered me on in this little effort. I have found buttons and ties in the mail, on my desk at work or shoved into my mailbox. A freelance writer saw my facebook post and asked to interview me. Orders have come in at times when I wondered how I was going to be able to buy groceries that week. A co worker loaned me the most encouraging book that just speaks to me about pushing ahead and realizing what is in store for me. It's all part of the plan, Teena, I say to myself. I am a lot like Redundant. I have reclaimed my life.
This blog, Discovering Me, has been a journey in itself. The path wasn't one I would have chosen to start out on, but as it turned out, it was one that has reshaped me, strengthened me, humbled me, and rejuvenated me. I guess that was part of the plan!
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Those words conjure up an image of impatient children seated in the back of a vehicle wishing a six hour car ride would miraculously happen in less than two hours!
All parents can relate when I say that after hearing these words for the third, fourth, and fifth time, we are wishing we had never even started the trip in the first place.
I have been thinking that same question myself lately. Am I there yet?
Because, I think I am ready to "be there."
The "journey" of post divorce life seems like there is a never ending line of curves ahead, bends in the road, and steep grades. I drove near a sign this past week that read, " bump ahead". I thought to myself, Really? I hadn't noticed! (a bit sarcastically, I might add)
Will I ever "get there?" Then, I think to myself, Where is "there?"
As a side note, I will mention here, that, YES, I am aware that I talk to myself and frighteningly, I answer back.
But, back to the question. Will I ever get there?
I have learned that "there" is more than a few hours away. A few years have flown by and I realize that the journey that started out as survival has evolved into an adventure. I haven't had to eat any disgusting live bugs during my survival trials, but I once slept next to a nest of baby mice. Mercifully, I found them all dead and did not know they had been born, hatched, or whatever right next to my head practically as I slept. I survived the brutal murder of a ground hog. This particular challenge still can arouse that gag reflex in me, so if you don't know the story by now, you may want to read my blog, "Dog tired." This period of survival of the fittest, okay, not fittest, but at least stronger has gained me the ability to not even blink at things that previously would have sent me into a tearful, helpless daze. Now, when I back the car out of the garage and rip off one of the side mirrors, I just say, huh. I step out and duct tape it to the car until I can afford to fix it. The words "objects may appear closer than they are" is not a fallacy.
Oh, there have been, and still are, bumps in the road. On days when I know the my childrens are having a Findley family get together and I am no longer part of that get together, those are the times that the loneliness and the pain of single hood really set in. I often think about the little boy in the Home Alone movie. I try to tell myself that I like having my very own cheese pizza! Truth is, I don't like dining alone. Probably why yogurt and peanut butter are staples in my diet these days.
Sometimes I feel like the road sign of my life reads steep grade ahead. And I keep climbing that grade. I know it will level out one of these days. I know it because so many awesome things just keep happening.
A lot of people have told me that God has a plan for me. That everything will work out and good things will happen. I know this to be true.
Years ago, I saw a handbag made of old men's neckties. I decided to make my own. I hit the local thrift shop and picked out some ties that appealed to me. I have always treasured vintage items and liked the idea of reclaiming them into something new and usable. I daydreamed about my own business, I would name it Redundant. Do it again. Repetitive. Life was busy. I was a mom with three active children. I was a wife and homemaker. I had a job. There wasn't enough time to start this kind of project. Silly moms, dreams are for kids. (sorry, Kix)
Recently, as I have traveled down the road of Discovering Me, I realized that along with finding out who I was, I realized that I also needed to do what I wanted. I needed to dream again. I have a bucket list now. Truth is, the list has always been in the back of my mind, but doing what I wanted wasn't always a priority. Life isn't all about what Teena wants to do now, but it is about allowing myself to experience or do some of those things. One of those things was this idea about Redundant. To recycle items into wearable art or home goods. A friend suggested I read Paula Deen's autobiography awhile back and it set my mind in motion. I set out to start reviving this dream and have been in total awe of the people who have been behind me and cheered me on in this little effort. I have found buttons and ties in the mail, on my desk at work or shoved into my mailbox. A freelance writer saw my facebook post and asked to interview me. Orders have come in at times when I wondered how I was going to be able to buy groceries that week. A co worker loaned me the most encouraging book that just speaks to me about pushing ahead and realizing what is in store for me. It's all part of the plan, Teena, I say to myself. I am a lot like Redundant. I have reclaimed my life.
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Monday, January 3, 2011
Controlling Peace
A dated ornament purchased at Walt Disney World reminded me of a wonderful vacation from the past.
A hand painted ornament reminded me of a dear lady who lived near me early in my marriage. I am sure she is looking down at me from heaven each year I put that ornament up and pack it ever so gently away after the holidays.
A golden glittery snowflake reminds me of the student that more often than not got under my skin. I can remember how excited he was when I told him how the snowflake glistened on my tree when the lights hit it "just so." He didn't seem so annoying then.
There were homemade ornaments that my very own children made in elementary school; the angel with folded wings and glitter still clinging to the fragile paper with Katie printed in red crayon on the backside.
Some of the ornaments are old, some are new, but all of them have a memory attached to them.
I unwrapped a paper towel and there lay an ornament I purchased myself last year.
It was a silver peace sign about 4 inches in diameter. The peace sign has embedded rhinestones that sparkle and shine. I placed the peace symbol front and center on my tree this year.
Peace.
Everyone needs and wants peace to be a part of their lives. I wanted peace to be a part of my life again.
I needed to get control.
Anyone who has been through a personal crisis of any type feels like they have lost control and at some point desperately seek to find peace again in their life.
I had been working hard to control peace in my life.
I started practicing yoga. I began reading more. I listen daily to encouraging music. I take long walks.
It dawned on my the other day as I listened to the radio that for genuine peace to be present, we had to let God be in control.
I knew this of course. I had learned this lesson in a very profound way several years ago.
I was driving home from my son's college swim meet in St. Louis. We had planned on staying overnight, but the meet was shorter than we expected and we decided to drive on home. My husband fell asleep in the passenger seat, sound asleep. It was going to be a peaceful trip home.
One thing about driving though: I am not a fan of driving in the rain and especially at night. Soon, I found myself doing both. I was landlocked between two huge semi trucks when we came upon fog. This was the densest fog I have ever seen. I could barely see the front of my car and I felt sheer panic wash over me. My hands were in a death grip on the steering wheel. I felt what I later assessed as a panic attack sweep over me and my voice was lost, I could not move my eyes or hands. It felt like every bone in my body became stiff and I knew we were going to get sandwiched between the semi trucks soon. I wanted to cry out to Bruce to wake up but the voice was not there. I felt sure we were about to die. I began to pray like I had never prayed before asking for help. Very soon I felt a presence over my shoulder and then a feeling of calm settle in on me. I got control of my speed and somehow drove past the semi and settled into the lane without two huge semis blocking my vision or towering around me. My breathing seemed to be returning to normalcy as I noticed a hand resting on the dashboard in front of me. I inched my fingers, without releasing too much of my death grip on the steering wheel, to tweak the dash lights. I blinked. The hand was still there. I was in awe. I knew then that God was indeed my co pilot and had rescued me on this journey.
He was in control.
He restored peace.
Why hadn't I remembered this time that left such an impact on my faith journey? How did I come upon a time again in my life that peace seemed so far away? I guess we all at times tend to forget that we are not in control.
I have decided to leave the peace symbol ornament out all year long.
I look at it shine in the light and I realize that yes, it is a peace symbol.
But it is also a symbol for me to remember to have peace I need to remember who controls my peace.
Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.
Ephesians 4:3
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