The Comfort Zone

^{Psalm 23:4}  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Hanging on the back wall of the toy store was the softest snuggle pet. My grandson was coming into this world in the next few weeks. I reached up and touched the little brown and tan pony. He was so soft and cuddly. His body was not really a body of a horse but a miniature blanket to be held in a child's hand. A cream colored satin ribbon was the border of the blanket part. My fingers ran across the cool fabric. I closed my eyes as I squeezed the soft velvety fabric and imagined little Brody toddling through the house with his snugly pony in tow. I could see him curled up in his bed with the pony tucked in tight underneath his chin. Forget Dave Ramsey! This was a "need" purchase! Everyone needs their own piece of comfort to cling onto.

Rewind a few years ago and there I was curled up in my bed. My daughter and her friend walked into the house bearing gifts after a girl's day of shopping. They had brought me comfort.
Sometimes we just need pampered. I was feeling pretty alone. My husband had moved out. He had filed for divorce. I was looking at an overwhelming amount of hurdles to jump. I wasn't feeling up to "life". I was in serious need of comfort.

They brought me lavender lotion. I love lavender. It is such a soothing and calming aroma. It relaxes me.
They brought me Godiva Chocolates. True comfort food. True bliss.
And they brought me the softest ivory full length robe. I had never had a robe so luxurious.  I closed my eyes and ran my fingers across the ribbed cloth, feeling the ridges of soft, lush fabric. I squeezed it between my fingers and pulled it up to my chin. There isn't a day now that I don't squeeze it around my neck after I put it on. It is soft. It is warm. But, it is also comforting.
The robe was intended as a luxury gift.
It is indeed that.
Maybe they didn't even realize, but they had brought me comfort to cling onto.

We all need it.
Comfort.
The dictionary says that comfort means to soothe in a time of affliction or stress. There isn't a time in our life that we haven't needed soothing. As a child, we wanted comfort as our mothers applied a band aid to that invisible scratch. A trip to the Dairy Queen always seemed to dispel that Little League game loss, and tell me a woman whose face doesn't light up when she receives that unexpected bouquet of flowers? (just because she has had a bad week)

Writing this blog about going through a divorce has been a comfort to me. I believe in the pay it forward philosophy.
I have had some amazing feedback in messages from women and men who have been through a similar experience. I have had children of divorced parents thank me for making them aware of how their parent felt. Some people have told me they have cried through my writings. Some have found the bits of humor I sometimes add in to a story.

I like to think that somehow these writings are giving comfort.
Like the lavender lotion, they soothe.
Like the chocolates, they satisfy.
And like the plush robe, they envelope the heart and soul and comfort.

In Five Easy Payments

I sat down across from him in the school cafeteria.
 He was the cutest little round faced, blonde boy. He was five years old and a talker to be sure. He was chatting away and told me his birthday was coming up. Without me even asking, he went on to explain that he was going to get the Rocket Fishing Rod II for his birthday gift. After a detailed explaination on how the Rocket Fishing Rod II works, he knew he was getting this particular gift because his dad had ordered it for him. Then he announced boldly, "only $34.95 in five easy payments!"

Five easy payments, huh?

There are five steps in the Grief Process. Easy? I think not.


Step one: Denial
I can remember literally shaking my head in disbelief when the words were first spoken.
I want a divorce. I didn't really hear him say that, did I? He must mean something else. Something is wrong. It took the words from my daughter , up in my face, in my business, no less, that made me snap out of step one. I thank her for that moment of revelation too.

Step two: Anger
My friends hold the opinion that  I have not experienced this step as I perhaps should have. My pillow might think otherwise. Sometimes you just need to punch something. This stage can be more detrimental to yourself though, I believe. The only thing that a grudge holds is you. Still, I don't think it can be altogether avoided.

Step three: Bargaining
Some people are just naturals at getting a good deal. They find the $100 jackets marked down to $5, and they  are the ones who always have the right coupon, unexpired, in their possession. Let me say for the record, there are no bargains in a divorce. There is no good deal. We try though, with attempts at counseling, let's stick it out until....., or maybe if we had a vacation together, just the two of us...
I wish this step of grievance was not in the mix. Begging is so unflattering and causes you regrets later on.

Step four: Depression
Big step. Unavoidable, I am afraid. You find yourself deep into a pit. And why not? Your entire life plan just got shredded. I didn't think I could be so tired. Images of my grown children stepping into my bedroom as I lay buried in the covers, "are you all right mom?".....
There were times I wanted to scream back, (instead of the calm, "sure, I am fine, I am just tired"), Hell no, I am not fine! I just lost my best friend, my husband, my home, my family, my church, our friends, our holiday traditions, me self esteem!.....
Everyone has to find their own way to climb past step four. The main thing is, climb past it.

Step five: Acceptance
This is the best step of all. The one where you realize you are really going to get that Rocket Fishing Rod II. The five easy steps payment part was a lie.  There are five steps. Just not easy steps.
Right now, I am learning to cast with my new rod. I toss out the line to new friends. I have opened myself up to new possibilities and new adventures.
After all, there are other fish in the sea....
and there is a big ocean out there to discover.

Psalm 71:20 - Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.