Stepping Through Fear

Six years ago this past month, I became something I hadn't planned on.... unmarried, single, divorced.

If advice was asked of me today on how to move forward after such a fork in the road, I would simply say, don't look back, keep moving forward.

 

If you go back and read this written journey of "Discovering Me", you'll find a colorful account of experiences and lessons learned.

 

Anyone that looks inward on a similar journey will most likely encounter some fears that can become obstacles, or, as I like to think of them, stepping stones. (boulders in some cases)

 

Last year, a woman I consider to be my personal mentor, nominated me to apply for Leadership Johnson County, a nine month program that fosters leadership skills by providing personal professional development to improve individual skills and making connections.  In the past I have always read the bios and projects in the newspaper about each class thinking about how exciting and challenging it sounded. I had always been very active in various community events and I found this portion of my life lacking  now. I decided to fill out the application and I will admit that I cried tears of joy the day my letter of acceptance arrived in the mail.

 

Sometimes the things you want and need the most do come to you. I won't lie and say a few of  the challenges I encountered throughout the past year didn't scare me some, but I did find myself okay with facing those challenges, and at times, almost with a fearless attitude. I would not have tackled, (and I use this term because at times it felt like I was in the midst of  a football game). There were many times I was stepping out of my comfort zone. The entire home-buying / negotiation process, decision making,  packing and moving all shoved together in just a few short months was a bit overwhelming. I am pretty sure that before my experience with LJC, I would not have taken this big step, but I set aside my qualms of being a homeowner and am so happy that I took that step.

 

 

I read this quote recently," Before speaking, please make sure your tongue is connected to your brain."

Sometimes I wish God would have installed a  thicker filter between my tongue and my brain. There have been times in my life where I was more reserved and probably didn't say enough, I didn't stand up for myself. There have also been times when I said too much before thinking the entire situation through.

My goal this past year was to open my mind more, to listen more, thus learning more.

 

 

 

While working with my Leadership Johnson County project group on a life skills booklet, I learned of an instance where a middle aged woman arrived at a food pantry in her Cadillac. As humans we are quick to make a judgment call. As the story unfolded, I learned the woman's husband had died the previous after a lengthy battle with cancer. Her daughter and three children had moved into her home with her after leaving an abusive marriage. Medical expenses had sapped her savings and feeding a family can be expensive.

I have kept that story in the back of my head and when I met a homeless family earlier this summer I kept an open mind to their circumstances without judging the reasons at how they had reached where they were in life at this point. Another stepping stone for me. Not to say I am not still a little afraid of my tongue, but I'm still growing.

 

Two things I readily admit a fear of ; roosters and heights. Visions of visits at  my grandmas house and the fifth grade field trip to Indianapolis Soldiers and Sailors Monument vividly provide snapshots of :

1) me standing on top of our family car , and

 2) me fainting as the elevator doors opened up at the top of the monument with a view of the circle city.

 

I recently learned Love can overcome obstacles too. Every parent loves their children, but a grandparent's love for a grandchild stands in class all by itself! 

I can't really claim pro status because I have observed out of the corner of my eye the smile on my daughter's face as the veins protrude on my neck and Mr. Rooster walks within my "personal space." So, for Colton and  Brody's benefit I say I'm a "semi pro" at appearing to like the chickens and Mr. Rooster! The boys are at ease gathering up the eggs, filling the chickens feeders, and taking scraps out to them. The boys love taking care of chickens and, I love the boys , so I go along with them when they eagerly want to show me their foul fowl. 

Brody is a daredevil and at age 3 and half years old was excited about the less than tame carnival rides at the county fair. There was a smaller Dragon roller coaster at the fair this year and I got the "honor" of riding along with him. I despise heights, yes even little Dragon roller coaster heights. I hate them even more when paired with rushing downward at an angle. Brody, however thought this was an awesome ride and  with his arms high in the air he looks up to me and says "I love this ride, Meemo! Do you love this ride?"   With a death grip on the handlebar, my feet pushing into the car floor, and between gritting teeth, I replied ,"Ummm, no, not so much, but I'm glad you love it!"

Walking gingerly across these two fears makes me recognize a new found confidence that pushes me to try other things.

 

It is with this mindset I begin a new opportunity of service.  I have visited and filled out an application to work with Kic-It,  a local kids in crisis intervention center. I am excited about being an active leader in my community again. When I reflect back at myself on the past six years, I see a totally different person. 

I kind of like who she has become.

Fearless.

Well, almost.

There is still Mr. Rooster.

 

 

 

"For God gave us a Spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control."

2 Timothy 1:7